I’m nuts for admitting it in public, that’s for sure. I’ve had responses that range from ‘That’s selfish.’ to ‘That’s cruel!’; from ‘You’ll be sorry when you can’t have more.’ to ‘When you’re aged Milla will have to care for you alone.’
There are others, but these are the most common. So let’s look at them.
Note: I’m more than happy to accept that only-childness isn’t for everyone, but none of the above reasons is good enough for me. (Skip to the end if you’re impatient and you want to read the one reason that is good enough.)
The inadequate Reasons
Selfish?
Maybe. But I don’t believe that any half-decent mom is actually selfish. Motherhood, by definition, comes with self-sacrifice, joyful or otherwise. If I want to have one child and focus all of my attention, love, enthusiasm and energy on her, what’s selfish about that?
I love working full-time to build and run a business I’m proud of. I love putting aside every spare cent I earn, for Milla’s education. Why split myself and my resources? Do I have an obligation to populate the planet? I don’t believe so*.
I’m not choosing to avoid a second pregnancy because I didn’t enjoy [pick one: getting pregnant, being pregnant, getting fat, having a newborn, having a toddler…] I loved pregnancy and I adore motherhood. Childbirth was less delightful, in my experience, but I’m over that.
I’m choosing – for the time being – to have only one child because, in my vision of myself as a mother, I only see the one child I have.
Cruel?
Nonsense. In my opinion, having a child just to guarantee that my current one has a friend shows a tenuous grasp on reality. Yes, it’s amazing when you have two littlies who are close-ish in age and adore each other their whole lives – or even hate each other til they’re adults and then love each other.
But what if they grow into adults who really don’t get on? (I see this a lot.) Isn’t it possible that having a second child as a playmate for the first is the most extreme form of spoiling? Like having a spare child in case #1 needs organs.
People do like to tell me how damaged only children can be. That they’re spoilt, socially awkward, over-confident and/or clingy. I hear lots of unpleasant adjectives, up til I tell people I’m an only child. That’s awkward.
I may be a lot of things, including over-confident, but that’s only one out of a possible four. And of all the onlies I grew up with, every one turned into a giving, friendly, self-assured, capable, successful adult who has an unbelievable relationship with (one or both of) his or her parents.
Short-sighted?
Yes, I may well be sorry when I’m older. I’m 32 now, so by the time I’m likely to be broody again I may be 36 or 40. Granted, by then it may be much harder for me to conceive. And I may wish I’d hopped to it sooner. But I can’t make a baby now just in case I want one later.
Burdensome?
Yeah, this one’s valid. I’m an only child to a single parent and I’ve worried for years about looking after her solo when she’s – G-d forbid – sick or frail. But them’s the breaks. My husband will help me. Milla’s future partner will hopefully help her. Once again, having a second child as insurance against your old age is silly. What if both my children – again, G-d forbid – emigrate?
* In fact, Mother Earth probably wishes we’d have fewer children…
The only good reason
The only good reason I can see to have more than one child – or, indeed, any children – is because you and your partner desperately want to. Because you imagine yourself as the parents of two or three or more, and that’s the picture of your future that you hold in your heart.
(Or if you fall pregnant by accident, but that’s another post for another time.)
I was raised as the only one, so that could explain my default setting. But it doesn’t explain my husband’s. I’ll admit there’s a good chance, down the line, when he’s recovered from two (or three or four) years of chronic exhaustion, that he’ll change his tune. And who knows what’ll happen then? For now, though, we have the little girl we wanted and she’s enough for us.
I’ll have to work that much harder to keep her entertained, socialised and in close contact with her cousins. I’ll have to take her friends along on holidays. And I’ll have to guard against spoiling her. But I think we’ll all be okay.
What’s your story? If you have more than one child, why did you? Was it always part of your plan? If you have only one on purpose or because fate intervened, I’d love to know what you think. Please comment.
This article was originally written for Jozikids by Tiffany Markman in 2013.
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20 Responses
This column could almost have been written by me. I too am an only child with an only child (5 yrs old) and the judgement I get is really annoying! The "selfish" one is the worst.
My child is not lonely or spoilt (just like I wasn't), and is quite happy without siblings. She spends time with friends and cousins and can happily play by herself for ages.
As for when we get older, I have MANY friends who are doing it alone anyway as their siblings are overseas etc… SO not a good enough reason!
Great column, hope it makes people think twice before making stupid comments.
T, I love this piece and I totally hear you. Dean and I do want another and PG that will happen in time. I suppose to an extent its about wanting more for your family. Such a personal decision though. I must admit now with Mia being over 2, it does get easier in some respects sure… and the thought of a new born right now yikes! All in good time and when the time is right…
I also have 1 child, my beautiful 3 yr old baby girl. I don't intend on having another child and that is a decision both me and my husband made together. She is more than enough for us and we cudn't be happier. It's a personal decision really.. Whether you want 1 kid or 10 evn none.. No other person can judge u or tel u what you should feel or want.
Good read
Good read for parents who feel judged for only having one child.
I have 1child and I'm comfortable with that! I had it all you've mentioned. To have a child or more is a personal choice. Irrespective of how many you want, God will bless you with what is ordained for you. People always have something to say, but each person know and understand their limits, everyone else must just take a hike! I literally grow up alone also, as boring as it could be at times, that doesn't make me think I should have anther
Crazy…? Not at all. I'm an only child and choose to have one child too. I know I wouldn't cope with more kids.
No man Aya – you NEED a number two! I'm loving my babies! Well, Jadon's not much of a baby any more, he'll be 10 soon!
I will be honest. I am currently in two minds about a second child. I have a sister – I love her very much but I also have friends who are as good as sisters. I guess time will tell.
A little insight into the world of an only child, ME! I grew up in a very loving home, my parents gave the best they could afford. I was not spoilt by my parents and I had a strict fair upbringing. I had the opportunity to try most sports or hobbies if I wished and I did well at school because my parents had the time to dedicate to me alone in my studies. They also watched me play sports matches or dance recitals, because they didn't have to split themselves between 2 or more children. I had a balance, they made sure that I had a circle of friends and family with whom I socialised frequently. But the best thing was when I needed to be alone to study or just be me, I could! No fighting with anyone, no disruptions, just me! I still love my quiet time and can spend hours alone, but when I want to have fun I get my friends together and we have a blast. I have a 13 month old son and he too will be an only child, not that I don't want to have more children, just that circumstances don't allow for it, I'm 38 in a few months and financially schooling for two children is out of my budget. So logically it is best for our family to have and treasure our perfect special only little boy. He too will get everything we can afford him and have a balanced lifestyle just like my parents gave me. Being an only child has been awesome and I thank my parents for deciding to give all they could to me and not allow us as a family to struggle for the sake of having more children.
Reaaly nice response Tracy x Joan B
I have one child and I have also been told of the many and nonsensical reasons of having one child. My child also told me that I was selfish for having had her only as a child. I do feel sorry for her when she tells me of how lonely she used to be at times. But I also tell her that financially it would have been a challenge to raise more than one child for me as I was a single parent for the better part of her life. I do tend to spoil and overinduldge her unconsciously at times. I have a sister, but I felt like I had no sibling when I was growing up because we fought a lot and we were extremely different even now. I tell my daughter that there is no guatantee that you will be happy as aperson to have a sibling. I have rececently remarried and my patner wants a child although he has a child from a previous relationship. I have tried to convice myself to have another child but there is no ounce of me that is interested in having another child. My friends and relatives are also pressurising me to have another child irrespective of my age…42!
I have one son too. He's 6 years old and we don't plan on having any more. When he was younger (3-4 years) I made alot of effort to set up play dates with friends during weekends and then realised that once he was at Nursery school he had a full day's interaction with kids an his friends. Now we attend friend's birthday parties and set up play dates when I can. He is a healthy, happy boy and socialises easily with kids his age. I think that having an only child comes with challenges but if you are involved parents then there's nothing to worry about. Just follow your heart you'll know what to do……
They are all great……. until they become teenagers,..girls worse than boys……..so there is hope for you yet 🙂
My son is now 3 and we are not able to have any more. It took a while to deal with the fact but it has actually worked out for the best. He is loved and cherished by both of us and when asked if he wants a brother or sister he has always said no (he might still be a bit young to understand) We can now give him everything in life and we are so grateful that we have him. As parents we need to be aware of spoiling him too much but I think if you are aware of the pitfalls you can easily have a well balanced and happy child.
I have one child and he is a happy and wel balanced young lad. China has a one child policy and they dont do too badly from my point of view.
So well said! It's every person's own right to choose to have one child or many – It's not always the choice we want to make, but many times external factors that force us to have to make that choice. This is a personal choice that every human being need to respect and not judge. People also need to stop assuming that someone wasn't able to have another child when in fact the chose to have only one. (as mentioned in the https://www.newrepublic.com/article/113329/lauren-sandler-one-and-only-reviewed-jessica-grose# article). Each to their own and no explanations needed.
I have three children, ages 17, 15 and 2, I absolutely love their interaction with one another, how they learn from and love one another and care for and support one another. They are siblings and have their own relationship separate from that with their parents. I'm all for giving each child the opportunity to be a sibling but hey, we will all do what we want to do in the end for whatever reason. No regrets for me, having done it again 12 years down the line and……truth be told, I would do it again (but am now too old!)
Here's another piece on this. Also recent. Interesting #onlychildren: https://www.newrepublic.com/article/113329/lauren-sandler-one-and-only-reviewed-jessica-grose
I don't think you are any crazier than anyone else who has any number of kids or none at all! I think it is significant that some have a wider range of choices open to them – what those choices are and what they concern is even more important and then of course how as individuals we navigate our own particular set of choices and circumstances. We all have our reasons and give meaning to our lives in different ways, which means there can be no single 'right' answer. I think a lot of us don't even realise or fully understand certain choices we make. What we consciously consider and claim as important might actually mask or hide (from ourselves and or the rest of the world) what actually is at the heart of certain choices. Deep-seated insecurities from childhood experiences or situations can manifest in so many ways including how we approach relationships and having families of our own – the need to be loved, or feel in control or trying to avoid facing painful truths about ourselves and our personal histories can also be reasons that inform how we construct our families on a conscious and unconscious level despite what we might openly say and believe.