As parents we all understand the concept of peer pressure. We have all experienced a form of peer pressure in our lives, especially as children at school, where peer pressure is prevalent as we grow and learn.
We understand peer pressure. It is something we feel within ourselves: a pressure to do the same things as other people just to be liked and respected by them. We are also aware that peer pressure led us to many situations we would rather have avoided growing up. In hindsight, we could have said “NO” and spared ourselves some embarrassing moments.
Recognising peer pressure in our kids
When our children are confronted with a form of peer pressure, we can have compassion for them, knowing that it is not easy at their age to understand what is happening . “Cause my friends are doing it and I have to also do it. If I don’t, it’s the end of the world” is real to them, one that is felt acutely. No amount of logic can explain this away. The best a parent can do in these situations is to steer and guide them, to be there to support them when they experience the fall out from their friends (which inevitably does happen).
Low self-esteem and the effects of peer pressure
There are times when peer pressure can get out of control. This is when it turns into addictions of alcohol, drugs or bad behaviour. It is painful for parents to witness and experience. It is the downside of peer pressure that comes about when children have a very low self-esteem and self-confidence and can be easily influenced by their peers.
STOP! Get to know yourself to avoid peer pressure
Teaching children to have a good knowledge about themselves helps to foster a good sense of self-awareness in themselves. This allows them to put down boundaries and stops peer pressure. Make them aware of:
- their feelings,
- their behaviours,
- their values and
- what behaviours/values and things they like and dislike in their environment, other people and especially friends.
A good sense of self-awareness promotes within the child, a confidence and self-esteem to do what’s right for him/her based on his/her likes and dislikes of behaviour and the environment they find themselves in. This allows them to choose friends that uplift them, make them feel good about themselves and the environment that the friendship is in.
Using peer pressure as a tool to self awareness
Parents can use peer pressure as a tool to guide and teach their children about self-awareness within themselves.
For example, let’s use an experience familiar with most of us, and which is a common theme amongst children learning to have friends:
Scenario:
A group of friends are together and one of the friends decides that it is cool to pick on the child playing by themselves. Now initially not all the friends in the group will be wanting to do this, as on some level, they will know and feel that this is unkind. However, they will all agree because they will want to be liked and respected and not join the ranks of the child playing by themselves. A teacher notices this and calls them on their behaviour and you are notified of this incident at school.
Now, our “go to” would be to be disappointed in our child for displaying this behaviour, BUT (NB!), this incident is a teaching moment towards instilling self-awareness. In our recognition of this, we can display compassion and rather ask questions like, do you not like the little girl/boy, if so, why, what is it that you don’t like? Turn this around and ask them if they were the little boy and girl, would they be happy with what was being done to them?
These are soft questions designed to open the door of communication and understanding what happened before asking the hard questions of “did you feel uncomfortable doing this? Was there a part of you that wanted to say no?” When you start to establish this awareness in your child, you are giving them the opportunity to become more aware of their friend’s behaviour, of the environment that the friendship group is in i.e. generally toxic or good, and how this makes them feel. You are also teaching them that you will listen to them and help them make sense of what happened.
This awareness leads to a self-awareness which will help them make the choice to find friends that align with their values and helps them to generally feel good about themselves.
Self-awareness reduces the risk of negative peer pressure.
Self-awareness is:
- knowing your values,
- being able to recognise when something does not feel good or sit right with you and
- having the strength to say NO! (even though, you know there will be a judgement around this and that you may not be popular for a while)
The truth is that it is hard to say no and do this, but the peace that you have doing this, knowing that you are saving yourself from possible pain and hurt is priceless.
This piece of wisdom is what we can teach children through their experiences of peer pressure, turning this around into lessons of self-awareness.
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