I am extremely concerned about how the current atmosphere in our country is affecting our children. I can say for sure that what happened with the AWB & ANC, is really affecting my son in more ways than one. He is scared and asking a lot of questions. Questions I find incredibly difficult to answer. He is now 8 years old and in Grade 2.
The questions he is asking are:
1 . Mommy, why are the whites cross with the blacks?
2. Is there going to be a war, mommy?
3. Mommy, I do not want to die in the war, how can we make things right between the people?
He has a black friend who he loves so much and talks about a lot. We have also met him and his parents and my son can’t understand why white people are now cross with black people.
It is very difficult not to watch the news or listen to the radio when he is not present. The headlines in the newspapers and on the lamp posts upset him. Every night when he gets home, he will ask anxiously what is happening and he hears stories from kids at the aftercare center. They say things like “ the blacks are going to kill the whites”. He then gets very scared and upset because he does not want anyone to kill him, us or his black friend.
Since this thing happened last weekend, he sees color. He never referred to anyone as a black man or white woman, no, he referred to them as a woman, man or person.
I do not know how to answer all his questions and would very much appreciate some help. Does anyone have some ideas about how one can explain to children what is going on?
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5 Responses
Dear all, thanks for the replies, and to Marleen for posting this. I am a foreigner about to arrive in Gauteng for a few years, with kids. We are excited to come and think SA is a great country. At the same time, we are white and come from a diverse city in the U.S. Our city is more integrated but not without its racial issues. My fear is that the kids will pick up on this racial tension in SA and bring it back home with them once we leave. I have been wondering how South Africans talk to their kids, and your postings have helped me. Thanks.
There is no easy way of dealing with race perceptions. However I do agree with both Zakkiya and Lihle. Your 8-year old’s curiosity about the current events in SA provides an opportunity for both black and white parents to unite against racism. we must start teaching our kids from an early age that colour does not matter anymore. Yes there is a history that we can never erase, but there are lessons that could be learned from it. perhaps as parents we should make time and visit places such as Apartheid museums, etc. in order to teach them about the past and beyond that explain the transition in our history so that it may be easy for the young ones to contextualise the current events. Marleen, please continue to encourage your child to befriend black kids as well. Children dont see colour like we do, and let’s protect that by all means possible.
I hope this assists and more parents like you could come forward. Let’s grab this ugly bull “of seeing colour” by its horns!!
Marleen, I second what Catherine says. It is an opportunity to discuss race – you really don’t need to go into too much detail. There is a chapter in the book NurtureShock (Available at Exclusive Books) that deals with kids and race which is an incredibly good read. Part of our education content is to give kids a very sanitised and unrealistic view of the world to our children. But they need to know that conflict/racial hatred/prejudice has been a part of us forever, some people rose above it and others engaged in it. If what is happening is bothering him – then its likely that he is going to be one of those that WON”T be engaging in conflict/race hatred/ prejudice, something he can be proud of. Good luck
Hi Marleen. I wonder if your son may be picking up on your fear? If so, then no amount of resassuring him will make him feel better. Children do what we do, not what we say, unfortunately. I never advocate hiding things from our children. Let him work this one out for himself and give him the guidance about the positives of love and the negatives of hatred! If he is picking up your fear, why don’t you consider getting in touch with a counsellor to help you work through some of your insecurities. We should start a saying, “We are all the same”, to try to remind all South Africans we are the same despite the colour of our skin. Also, how about asking your school to organise some appropriate therapy for the children so they can deal with racism and fear amongst the children. The children may also need debriefing and guidance on what is appropriate to say among their friends.
Interestingly when we are embarrassed about our children noticing colour, we give them the message that racial differences are something shameful and not something interesting and exciting. Noticing colour is a normal developmental step. Feeling superior because of certain racial differences is where we need to target our energies. Give him the gift of emotional intelligence by talking about how black people must feel as well as how you as white people feel. Don’t worry about this! Let it be a learning experience. Do you believe in the Lord? Show your child the love and care He gives when you trust Him!
I hope you find rest.
This is a tough one, Marleen, especially given your son’s age.
I’d say be honest with him, as far as you can. Give him a brief history lesson on our past. Let him know that although apartheid fell away 16 years ago, some people of different races still did not like each other, some even hated each other. But do assure him that the majority of South Africans did not feel that way and there would be no war.
He will probably ask why people would hate each other since he has a black friend. Tell him that it’s because they don’t understand each other and because they have not given each other a chance to be friends, they don’t know how alike they are and that they actually could get along.
I don’t know if he’s aware of what has suddenly sparked all of this, but if he isn’t, then tell him that ET was murdered by his farm hands and it has all turned into a political row because someone sang an old song about killing white people.
I know it sounds harsh, but I learned early on that it was best to tell my daughter, now 12, the truth about our world instead of letting her hear false utterances from the playground.
If we don’t teach them, their playmates will teach them according to their own 8-year-old understanding, which instils the fear in your little one’s mind.
I do hope this helps.