If we’re being honest…
I’m an imperfect mom. How do I know this? Well, I’ve never:
- Given sweets and a self-effacing note to fellow plane travellers in case my kid screams all the way to our destination
- Sent her to school with a note in her lunchbox or a sandwich cut in the shape of the Gruffalo, complete with prickles
- Made a birthday cake by hand, myself, complete with little fondant replicas of all of the characters in Toy Story (1, 2 and 3)
- Consumed (all or some of) my placenta, in any form whatsoever
- Used a re-usable nappy
- Encouraged co-sleeping
- Remembered to label every single item of playschool clothing, as instructed by the teacher, despite sending my daughter to school in exactly the same pink Crocs as every single little girl in her class
- Managed to wean her off her manky, flea-bitten series of beloved dummies
Whew! That feels so good. I feel lighter somehow.
I’m self-ish. Sort of.
And what’s wrong with thoughtful notes, home-made cakes and co-sleeping?
Well, nothing. I’m not going to snottily inform you that I’m too busy or too focused on bread-winning to do all of these lovely things; I’m going to be completely honest here: I couldn’t be bothered. Or, in some cases, perfect mom-ness doesn’t work for me.
I had severe post-natal depression for three months post-childbirth and since then, my priority has been keeping things simple. Trying not to over-do it. Watching how much we commit to. And PND was a kind of blessing – it’s given me perspective.
This means that, if you offer me a choice between going to gym or baking, I’ll take gym. Cuddling all night long or sleeping well? Sleeping. Screaming or the dummy? The dummy. I’m a better mom to my littlie when I’m exercised, rested and calm.
Taking a guilt trip
But I’m also trying to stave off the guilt that plagues all moms. You know, the creeping feeling that we’re not good enough, not trying enough, not doing enough?
Like, the fact that, if you offer me a choice between quality time spent chatting with, reading to, walking alongside, drawing for, or even just sitting next to my daughter, and pretty much anything else on offer, I’ll (mostly) choose the former. No question.
For me, those are the investments. And I’m 100% committed to certain small-but-important things. Manners. Sunblock. Veggies. Kindness to animals. Good books.
Picking my battles
My mom was different.
She created masterpiece school lunches. Helped with award-winning projects. Used a dictionary to write ‘I love you’ in Hebrew on a note that she put into my schoolbag on my 10th birthday (she speaks not one word of Hebrew). Organised the most unbelievable birthday parties. Wrapped schoolbooks like a professional with OCD.
On the other hand, she wasn’t a Library Mom, a Tuckshop Mom or a PTA Mom, and she set foot on my high school campus for the first time at my Matric valedictory evening. She was a single working mom, and she invested her time carefully.
So when I began my mothering journey, I decided I’d be like her in involvement, love and support, but like me (the pre-baby, self-ish, workaholic, grooming-obsessed me) in certain other ways, and that I’d do what works for me – and for us as a family.
Isn’t parenting hard enough, without trying to be a Stepford mom? What do you think? What makes you ‘perfect’ or ‘imperfect’? Out with it. (No judgies.)
This article was originally written for Jozikids by Tiffany Markman in 2013.
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8 Responses
What amazing comments! Thanks moms!
LOVE it! keep them coming…
LOVED this article, for putting into words those little doubts many of us surely have, for showing me it's not just a few of us who are ok with this – and reminding me that we are human beings enjoying our journey with our children for the people they are, not for the chance to add one-upmanship to our daily existence in the way that the general media tends to push into our space.
My kids are basically grown up and about to fly the coop, and I thought I would just say how much I feel for modern moms. Stop reading all the magazines and articles that tell you to put fairy dusted organic carrot cake cupcakes in the personalised gift bag you hand made for school lunch and give your kids an extra hug instead. Then use the time you saved NOT making the gift bag to take a walk around the zoo, making funny animal noises instead, squash yourself and all the kids into one bed and read stories or watch a dvd, play kids music on the car radio and sing as loud as you can with the windows open for the world to hear. Discipline your kids firmly and love them unconditionally, enjoy them and let them enjoy you, be a MOTHER, not an advertisement. My daughters and I have been through some really sad times, and we have grown to love and respect one another as the imperfect, crazy, wonderful family we are.
It took me a while, but eventually I realised that as long as my kids saw me putting them first, it didn't matter what I did…..so I don't make the cake, but heck, I get UBER excited while we go fetch it; and I may not have cooked organic baby food, but my kids ask for my simple cheesy, bacon Mac n Cheese as their birthday dinner every year!
letting my kids see me as I am is far more important that trying to be something I'm not.
Once read a quote that I think all moms need to think about – "there is no way to be a perfect mom, but a million ways to be a great one'…. find what works for you and go for it!
I agree, brilliant quote! I'm not a perfect mom, i don't try to be either. I make mistakes and mess-up very often. I learnt that its important for my kids to know that i am not perfect and that i will do my best everyday – and that is all i want from them too.
Mom, I would love to hear what you think.