By Nikki Bush, Creative parenting expert, inspirational speaker and co-author of Tech-Savvy Parenting (Bookstorm, 2014), Future-proof Your Child (Penguin, 2008), and Easy Answers to Awkward Questions (Metz Press, 2009). Click here to visit her website
Your child knocks over a glass of milk in the preschool years. Your response to this little accident will determine how he/she views their mistakes moving forward. Is making a mistake, such as accidentally spilling the milk, about being wrong or imperfect, or is it about the teachable moment – the lesson learnt?
If we create a scene, as if it is the end of the world, then making mistakes will bring up fear for our child. However, if we take such ‘accidents’ confidently and in our stride (they are going to happen to every child), and help our children to learn from them, then the outcome is usually quite different. “Oops, come quickly, let’s get a cloth and wipe up the milk before it drips on the floor! Now when the cloth is very wet, squeeze it into the bowl like this and then you can carry on wiping up the rest of the milk. Well done!”…….and life carries on.
As adults, we make mistakes everyday too. We are not perfect. We grow through our mistakes – they are one of the ways we learn how to master life. For children, making mistakes helps them to learn about how the world around them works, where their bodies are in relation to each other as well as objects, such as the glass of milk. Mistakes are not the end, they are about new beginnings. They are personal experiences, concrete learning opportunities that allow our children to make different choices so that the same mistake is not made repeatedly.
What the world needs now are millions of solutions-orientated, “can do” children rather than children who don’t even try because they fear the wrath of their parents, or their own imperfection. Most of the issues facing our planet are the result of unintended consequences (or should we say “mistakes”) made by us and even the generation before us. Empower your children by celebrating what they learn through their own little mistakes and you will go a long way to encouraging creative problem solving and resilience, essential qualities as our children mop up the mess caused by mankind’s big mistakes and solve the problems of our planet.
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I feel that we need to add to this that the screaming at the child is one of the mistakes that we make as parents (and as mentioned we're also allowed to make mistakes) and that this in itself is an amazing learning opportunity for both parent and child. Instead of lambasting yourself for messing up and shouting (as we all do sometimes) rather embrace the situation. Once you've calmed down tell your child that you lost it (like other human beings) and that you're sorry. Here your children learn another vitally important lesson – that we are all human and it is ok to lose your temper sometimes (even moms do it); you don't have to hate yourself, there is nothing wrong with you, etc, and the hectic emotion will pass. Your kids will also lose it sometimes and if they have no experience of you doing this can think there is something wrong with them. They also learn from this what the appropriate behaviour is when you have lost your temper – to go and apologise. This is a great lesson in and of itself and takes the unnecessary guilt and shame off the parent who is also figuring out life, parenting and emotions!
Thanks for these words make us realise we can say sorry – i often have to but its a good lesson learnt