By Dallace Jolly, single mom to 2 sons with characters of epic proportions. Her children and work are a source of endless amusement and inspiration. She’s also a freelance writer and editor of Bluff Digital Magazine and CitiGaming.
I was summoned to an emergency meeting by my two sons to discuss our household rules. This was a highly informative and interesting meeting. So much so, that I feel compelled to share the minutes of said meeting.
Minutes of Emergency Children’s Rights Meeting
Called & Jointly Chaired by: Masters Eli (aged 9) and Caleb (aged 6)
Attendees: Eli Jolly, Caleb Jolly (hereafter referred to as Child/ren), Dallace Jolly (hereafter referred to as Mother/Parent)
Agenda: All aspects of Children’s Rights and none of those of the Parent
After lengthy commentary from the co-chairs tenuously disguised as ‘discussions,’ the following conclusions were arrived at (after a one-attendee, one-vote process):
• MacDonald’s, Spur , Mimmo’s, Wimpy and KFC DO in fact serve food which is MSG-free and contains ingredients from all major food groups; in particular vegetables (burgers have both tomato and lettuce on them) and dairy (pizza features cheese which is a dairy product, not forgetting soda floats have ice cream which is a dairy product too).
• Meal times shall now be determined on a need-to-eat basis. Any existing set meal times no longer apply. In addition the location of said meals will now be determined by game-in-play at time of said need-to-eat occurring.
• The Children’s current no-sweets-or-fizzy-drinks-during-the-week rule, shall now also apply to cigarettes and wine for Mothers.
• Brushing teeth is only necessary if an event of major importance is taking place (such as visiting Nelson Mandela or Disney World) or if rewards of the sugary variety are offered. Contrary to popular belief (and dental research), sweets do not rot teeth, they do in fact give teeth energy. This scientific fact is based on the premise that sugar gives you energy and not a sugar rush.
• Home decor/entertainment shall now predominantly comprise:
1. Toys (these must be evenly distributed throughout each room in the home and are under no circumstances to be packed away. Ever.)
2. DVDs (to be played at all hours of the day/night at maximum possible volume, whether they are being watched or not. This is to provide pleasant background noise which encourages free play.)
3. Play dough (mandatory for all floor coverings particularly those with a thick pile.)
4. Artworks will now be hand-drawn directly onto walls/upholstery in the mixed mediums of permanent marker and wax crayon.
• Henceforth when Children enquire as to why they are being asked to perform a task, responses from Mother may no longer include: “Because I am your Mother and I said so!” or “In my house you will follow my rules!” or “Because you made the mess!” The only permissible response is now “Don’t worry darling, Mommy will do it for you.”
In conclusion, it has been determined that should Mother not be in agreement with Children’s ‘suggestions’ as laid out above, then alternative accommodation must be sought by offending Mother.
Although Mother fully recognises Children’s Rights and endeavours to give them a platform from which to voice their valid opinions, Mother is indeed MOTHER. So, Children will do what they are told and like it.
Why? Because I am their Mother and I said SO! And because they gave me stretch marks!
The meeting was adjourned by Mother and attempted coup was averted.