by Philippa Cross who would rather be outdoors than in, alone than in a crowd. She prefers dogs to cats, with a major leaning towards bulldogs. She hopes to win the Pulitzer prize for her yet unpublished novel. She started Thumb Media with a partner in June 2009
I am amazed how many people haven’t the faintest idea about how to approach toddlers and children, and how to respect their space. So many people believe that because they are little, their rights to personal privacy are somehow diminished. They reach out to touch them, grab a hand, pinch a cheek, and plant a wet sloppy kiss on their cheeks. Even complete strangers in Pick n Pay have walked right up to my trolley, and grabbed a little hand before I could stop them.
Like every mother, I think my children are gorgeous. They have perfect little faces full of childhood innocence. They have huge blue eyes, white blonde hair, and fat rolls round their knees and wrists in that adorable way only toddlers can pull off. They are as pinchable and as kissable as can be. But I know better than to pinch their bums without permission though.
Even when they were tiny little things I approached them as I would approach a stranger who’s space I was seriously about to invade. I was gentle, respectful, and I asked permission. I never just assumed because I was their mom that I could lift up their t-shirt and plant a big zerbit on their tummies. I wanted them to be the masters of their young bodies right from the beginning. Obviously, there have been times when I’ve had to do what I’ve had to do. I don’t get their express permission every nappy change time, or every bath time.
I can’t be alone in having to keep a vigilant watch over my children when people visit. And when my sons don’t warm to them in the first 30 seconds of them walking through the door, I find myself apologising to them, trying to spare their feelings.
“Don’t take it personally, Nathan is just very shy. Give him some time and he’ll warm up to you.”
Bollocks to that. Nathan is three. You’re 63. You’re old enough to know better. Nathan’s not shy. He’s normal. How would you feel if someone 4 times your size walked into your house, marched straight up to you and tried to pick you up, puckered up their over made up lips and planted a wet soggy one on your cheek? You’d probably get the fright of your life and call the police. Why on earth should he know who you are and why you want to kiss him?
On the other hand, I do all I can to prepare the little chaps for just such occasions.
“Aunt Lillian hasn’t seen you since you were a tiny baby.”
“When I was a baby and I had a dummy and you changed my nappy?”
“Yes. Since then.”
“Like Dylan.”
“Yes, since you were as small as Dylan. Aunt Lillian hasn’t seen you since you were smaller than Dylan is now. And she’s going to come and visit us today.”
“At our house?”
“That’s right. She’s coming to our house to visit you and your brother. And she’s going to want to give you a big squeeze and a kiss.”
“Like I kiss Hadyn at school?”
“Do you kiss Hadyn at school?”
“And Skylah.”
“You kiss Hadyn and Skylah at school. What does Teacher Anne say?”
<Giggle>
“Will you give your mom a kiss then?”
<giggle>< run away>
At which point I use the prerogative that is mine as his mother alone, break my rule, chase after him, pick him up, and force 100s of kisses all over his cheeks and his tummy. Just to show him who’s boss. That will teach him not to give his mom a kiss!
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Love this post.
Really puts it all into perspective. I will definitely be more mindful of the people that approach Aaron. He isn’t shy! Just overwhelmed by the great big hulking stranger that wants to pinch his cheeks!
Thanks for a great article.
Great post. We do, as adults, forget how powerful we appear and are in the space of these Sacred Beings. And yes the same respect we give to any adult we don’t know we must show to children.
If we’d do that, imagine what ‘respectful of others’ adults they’ll grow into?
I love this story! I recently did a photo shoot for my range on http://www.kuna.co.za for a magazine , and we ( the photographer , stylist and I ) made a ( false ) attempt to get the kids comfortable, we would pick them up , hug them , tickle , but that only made them want to run to their moms even more ! lol well , we could have maybe saved an hour of shooting if I had read this article two weeks ago – I’d have known to approach them more cautiously!
Love your story about how you misread the children at the shoot. Also loved your clothing line. Big ups for the ‘local is lekker’ range you have.
Good luck….will circulate your website.
hi
since my son was a little baby we have taught him not to speak to strangers & especially not to let them touch him, now he’s 4 and hits people who come near him and even shouts at them.
the other day a shop assistant tried to show him how to use a bouncy ball and when she touched him he started to kick her, he’s only doing what he’s been though and that is not to let strangers touch him. i can not blame him for reacting this way it’s what he’s been taught.
Forgive me if I’m wrong,but that seems like a terrible thing to have taught a child,aggressive behavioral tendencies in children should not be encouraged because they continue into adulthood.
I have a 2 and a half year old who has also been taught to avoid strangers,but rather than shout or kick at people,she says no or avoids them altogether by holding onto me.
As Philipa said,they may be little people but they do have a right to their own space and we adults should respect that,just as much as we should teach our little people to appropriately assert their personal space with no violence involved.
Really loved your story….made me giggle and want to chase my child around the house and plant a big wet one.
I couldn’t agree more with you. When my daughter was younger…and chubbier… she would also get touched at Pick N Pay, every time I went. To the point that I am sure there must be something in the air conditioners or something. I also wanted to shout out “Just keep your hands to yourselves”.
Now she is 5 and is very capable to just hide behind me or move away from possible touchy feely people.
I hope ALL the right people read this article. Well written.