by Sally Cameron, midwife, mother of 2 and co-owner of earthbabies . I am passionate, creative, trying to be Green unschooling single mom. It’s a journey
I became a single mom when the kids and I moved back to South Africa a year ago from the UK. Their dad and I are separated and he has chosen to stay in the UK. He wants to get a British passport so can only be out of the UK 30 days a year. His contact with them is therefore very limited. He has not seen them since June last year. One of the main ways he maintains contact is through Skype which I encourage.
He keeps asking that I am not present when he speaks to them. They are 5 and 2 so I feel I do need to be in the background so that if something goes wrong with the computer I can help as they invariably fiddle with it. Besides the 2 of them trying to both get their faces in the camera view often results in fighting. I am not sitting there on the camera, I just move in and out of the room while in ear shot in case they need me.
The one time I left the room I came back to the ex telling my daughter how he was planning a trip for them to the UK which never happened and he had not spoken to me about it first. I had to deal with the fall out and disappointment, so there is part of me that does not totally trust his motives when he speaks to them.
Am I being over protective, what would you do?
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Hi there. My boys are the same ages as your 2 little ones, but luckily i am still happily married.
This is a difficult situation. You cannot forbid them to speak to daddy, but this is unacceptable on their part. They should know that they cannot make empty promises, as mommy would have to pick up the pieces. I suggest you have a serious talk with your ex and his new wife, explaining to them how you feel. Ask them to please first discuss such serious issues with you first, and if it is a definite that they will be coming over, then they can tell them that. But obviously do this in a manner that will not upset any parties. You as legal guardian of your kids need to look out for their best interest, cause if you do not, who will? Wising you all the best.
Hi Sally. I think you need to think about where it ends for you and begins for them. A very difficult measure: something I have to do every time my ex promises to see my 3 year old daughter and cancels at the last minute. The children are usually devastated and very disappointed and don’t know how to manage those emotions. It is up to us to guide them. Remember too that fathers now have many more rights ito custody etc in SA than ever before, so tread carefully. Many men are not mature enough to see the heartache their behaviour visits upon their children and it is up to the mother to salvage their little hearts. My daughter’s father forgot her birthday this year! Good luck.
Dear Sally
My heart goes to most women like you and I always wonder how you find it in your heart to always give this men space in your life. I see you are the one encouraging the communication between your ex and his kids, I personnaly think you should not initiate that anymore he must also remember that he has brought innocent souls to this world. Its better to nurse their lonely hearts than broken ones and worse if broken by someone they adore. Cut him out until he contacts them again. He is manupilative and selfish, does not deserve your kind heart. Good Luck.