When a child is in a time-out, I absolutely guarantee you that they are not thinking about the wrongness of their behavior, what they can do to make amends, or how they can improve in the future. What they are thinking about is either how much they hate you and how they can get revenge, or how much they hate themselves and what a terrible, unworthy human being they are.
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The word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means to lead. Leading means being a good example of how things are done rather than telling people what to do. Leading does not involve hitting people or banishing them from your presence. Great leaders are generally patient because they can remember how it feels to not know what they do now and how to assist their disciples in going beyond their current state.
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Bulling isn’t an inevitable part of growing up. Research shows that whether your child is being bullied, being the bully, or watching their friend being bullied, they need help. It affects everyone (even you as parents) and often has a major impact on children’s developing sense of self, school performance and self-esteem (even into adulthood).
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It’s the start of the new school year and for many children it’s an exciting time. For some though the return to school may be riddled with anxiety and stress, possibly caused by bullying. A parent’s first reaction may be one of rage and anger, no parent wants their child to be the subject of bullying. I’ve come across a lovely book and CD by Alicia Thomas-Woolf that will help parents teach their kids to deal with bullying positively.
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It helps to remember that because children are still developing, they are more vulnerable to any big change (i.e. like starting ‘big’ school, moving homes, cities, the birth of a sibling). Big changes (especially if not prepared for) may easily show up in negative behaviours and/or affect their emotional security (foundation).
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Hitting a child has always been a crime. However, our courts had generally accepted a defence from a parent that the hiding was reasonable and moderate. Last week, Judge Keightley found that this defence is invalid. A parent who hits a child can be charged with assault regardless of the circumstances.
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By preparing our kids for life changing events, we are helping them to cope far better with the change, and teaching them that there are healthy ways to adjust to whatever life throws at them.
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Our children will not succeed from extra lessons, or never falling over, or having us at their beck and call every minute. They will learn success by emulating us and seeing that we’ve made it through some pretty tough times and we’re still OK.
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The Garden Route fires took everyone by surprise. Children often experience trauma differently, as they are more sensitive and less able to express their feelings and needs.
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When kids can’t find positive, useful ways to have their needs met or feelings expressed, they’ll inevitably turn to more unhealthy ways.
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Freckleface Strawberry: The Musical is currently showing at the National Children’s Theatre. Based on actress Julianne Moore’s New York Times best-selling book, it’s a fun, funny and fast-moving show – with a valuable lesson about self-esteem and self-image.
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I recently heard about a mother who was quite literally still wiping her child’s bum at the age of eight. I was horrified. Now when I have such a strong judgemental reaction to any trait that I come across in another I like to look and see where I might be doing that too.
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