by Fatima Kazee, fulltime mum to Imaad (7), Zayn(5) and Zahreen (3), part-time wife to fisherman husband Aadil. She’s addicted to sneakers anything chocolatey & is an invaluable part of the Jozikids and Kznkids team.
I was recently told by a professional kids’ psychologist that my son may have something called tactile defensiveness. What this means is that he dislikes certain textures and feelings against his skin and on him. The reason I went to a psychologist is because he refuses to eat certain foods, has a problem with the labels on his clothes and also doesn’t like getting dirty (which 6 year old doesn’t like that!)
She suggested I take him to see an occupational therapist that will help his ‘condition’. So my question here is: Is all this necessary? How come there weren’t all these things when I was growing up? Or did our parents just let us be and grow out of stuff like that?
Are we overdoing the labelling?
I have met many a parent who shared stories of their kid having some or other issue, be it low concentration, emotional developmental problems, or muscle tone problems (what is that?). It’s usually something or the other. Or else it is allergies to the strangest things, like soap and good wholesome food (seriously?)
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure these things all exist and there are qualified individuals that can help with them. I guess it could all relate to the foods we eat and the preservatives in them as well as the lifestyles we lead. And I’m sure that there are kids that have serious problems to deal with. But what happens to kids that have no access to the help that they require? Kids who live their whole lives not knowing that they actually had some or other condition and manage to live their lives quite fine?
Credit: Pinterest
This brought me to thinking about whether we just feel the need to label everything into a disorder and find a solution to it. Not a solution that’s logical and simple and costs nothing but one where we have to spend time and money to feel that we’re actually doing something to correct the condition.
Maybe we have something to do with it
I also realised that perhaps my being pedantic and OCD (yes, I have that condition!) may have had something to do with it. I didn’t, for example, allow my kids to eat by themselves or explore the garden for fear of the mess and having to clean it up. Since they never touched their food on their own and experienced the different textures, maybe this made them dislike it when they eventually did. Maybe all they need is to simply be left to discover things for themselves.
Where to from here?
This of course solely relates to my situation and the condition I find my son in. Does all this affect kids in the long run? Will they grow up to be pedantic like me or will they be well-rounded individuals, even without any medical/therapeutic intervention? Should I just change my mothering habits and skills?
I have not yet decided what to do but I have noticed a change in my son since I’ve lightened up and given him space to just be. What do you think?
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I shared the same dilemma when my son was younger…first child and first time mom I found myself visiting specialist one after another when I eventually though that this is just not normal? I put a stop to it and he is a happy , active and doing fairly well at school. What else does one want? Needless to say, the medical bills have been manageable since.
Been there done that…. have the t-shirt! Most of the stuff they told me was what I went through as a child without intervention from anyone and I think I am fine now. The only difference is I now know why I am different to others and know how to cope with it so it doesn't upset me anymore. Had both kids go through different stages and the school insisted on treatment which I did much to my disgust. The oldest ADHD would never cope in a normal school and we must consider applying now for the special school which we refused and guess what nothing wrong with him… average is higher than the grade average almost in top 10 average… it was a teacher problem in my books. The youngest is extremely shy and doesn't talk so have him at speech therapy to sort that out – as per school instructions and I think we are wasting time and money as he is just shy and will come out of his shell one day when he wants to – only difference it has made is his speech is clearer…. have been told that grade 1 next year will be a problem as he wont interact in class and groups so they cant assess him…. my reasoning on that "So what! Its normal if you are shy!" So yes label them but as a parent you know what is best and a label only gives you something to work on!
I was one of those children who had issues but never a label. My mother did not want any lables for her daughter and yet I never fitted in with anybody, always thinking that I must be really stupid or that something must be seriously wrong with me that living was just not as simple for me as it seemed to be for the kids around me. I wish I learnt the tools to work with my differences instead of being left to wonder what was wrong with me and why so many people disliked me. Labels are sometimes just a handle to better understanding, but it does depend on what the parents and the trusted adults tell the child about themselves that makes the biggest difference. I just thought that everything that went wrong was always my fault and it took me nearly 20 years to figure out that yeah I am different but I do not have to take responsibility for other peoples issues.
I would suggest that you read the book The Highly Sensitive Child – Awesome perspective on kids with so called "sensitivity issues" and great skills for helping them to see themselves as blessed with this sensitivity rather than cursed with it: https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-overwhelms-ebook/dp/B008CBDOQG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374585163&sr=8-1&keywords=highly+sensitive+child.
There is a huge difference between a label and a diagnosis. A label is when you say your child is fussy or full of nonsense. A diagnosis is when the doctor tells you that your child has Dyslexia. And yes, often children do suffer greatly without the appropriate help and understanding. You make a good point though that children learn through experiencing things which often means getting dirty or creating a mess.
Argh I keep trying to leave a comment and it keeps freezing half way. I wanted to question the refrain "and they turned out just fine". Says who? Did all those children with issues live up to their potential… happy, fulfilled lives? Each case must be judged individually, the parents make a call, and we should try to respect them and support them. And if we have new knowledge and resources to help our children.. why wouldn't we?! The more we can help the better. And the sooner the better.
Thank you Fatima, I feel like this article was written especially for me.
I also think that working mothers, like me, are often on a guilt trip, which causes one to try too hard when one does manage to spend time with one's kids. In a way your kids become a "project" instead of you rather concentrating on your relationship with them. Just my experience…
Every mothers dilemma! I find myself now wondering if its the teacher or the child that has a problem. I'm now considering incurring the unaffordable fees of private school so that my son could get one on one attention instead of the 40 in a class scenario! The stress of it all is killing.
Will do Mia, thank you
Someone once told me that it's all about time management and that you can have enough quality time with your kids without breaking the bank or over-pressurising yourself. That takes a great deal of preparation in advance and having everything perfectly planned out… Doesn't always work. I guess we need to just realise that we are doing the best we can and that they are healthy, normal kids who are lucky to have us as parents (easier said than done :))
Marika Ann Tannahill you make an excellent point. I'm just wondering whether we all need to take the time to find out more about these 'conditions' ourselves or do we really need to see experts to deal with it? Having more than one kid in this day and age of rat-racing makes it difficult to always have time to concentrate on each kids schooling, extra murals, social life, etc. Guess it boils down to priorities and whether the 'condition' hampers him in anyway..
Each of my kids is different. My eldest is extremely bright, reads a lot and has a phenomenal memory. He is also very spaced out and oblivious to things that go on around him. The middle one is the sensitive one. I guess we clash a lot because we have exactly the same personalities. I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder which I've decided to rectify with vitamins and therapy that doesn't involve medical treatment. So far so good. My war within myself is whether I need to pursue these treatments for him or "let him grow out of it" or wait till he gets older and turns out to be like me(which is not what I want). I can't teach him myself how to correct his behaviour because I do the same as he does. Maybe reading up and researching on my own will help us both to cope with everyday life and realise "not to sweat the small stuff" thanks all for the feedback, much appreciated! 🙂