by Laura-kim, single mom, recently divorced with 2 kids and the author of the blog Harrassed Mom
I left my ex-husband just over 3 years ago. It has been one long constant fight. We have fought over custody, maintenance, money, medical aid and everything in between. We eventually officially got divorced in February this year.
His relationship with his children has been sporadic. He pitches for a few weekends, gets mad with me and then stays away. We have sort of all come to accept it. Kiara was 2 when we left, so her reality of him is his inconsistency.
He seemed to be making a pretty good effort the last few months though. He missed a few weekends but for the most part was fetching them and seemed to want to be involved. I finally thought we had reached a happy medium.
Then the phone call came. He wanted to take Kiara only. He told Kiara this. I heard it over the phone.
Naturally I refused this option. It is not possible to choose one child over the other when you hit a bump in the road with one. I still am not sure of what happened 100% between my son and his father as I only have his version (and he really doesn’t want to talk about it) and bits and pieces from his sister when she is angry with him and tells how she likes it when her dad is mean to Cameron. (she is 5 she doesn’t understand fully what she is saying).
The basics it seems are that they had a fight. My ex behaved unacceptable and treated Cameron badly. He was mean. Did and said some very mean things that a 7 year old doesn’t have the ability to handle.
I was furious. My son was hurt. He didn’t want to see his father. His father didn’t want to see him – which is worse as he is the adult and should know better.
As a result of all that I laid an ultimatum down. Either my ex sort his issues out with Cameron or he doesnt see either of them.
It was probably the hardest thing I have done with regards to visitation. I never wanted to be that mother who keeps the kids from their father. But my kids emotionally well being and physical safety are at risk here. I can not send them into a situation that neither of them are equipped to deal with – I wouldn’t be doing my job then.
As I expected, he has so far, refused to deal with the issues with Cameron.
Its heartbreaking. Cameron has these issues that I can’t resolve because they are not really my issues and I don’t know what happened. Kiara misses her father. The only ones who suffer here are the children.
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What a wonderfully honest account of the kind of battle that affects so many people I know.
Its heartbreaking, but you are the only one who can decide whats best for your kidlets.
Hang in there girl.
When taller humans do not behave like adults they can not have the responsibility of being an adult. being accountable for all the impacts of actions is a sign of maturity and readiness for becoming an adult.
Children are precious beings and we influence the future structure of society when they are not valued. Being with a child even for a few minutes comes with great responsibility for their physical, mental emotional and spiritual well-being.
A mothers responsibility is the safety and security of her child. it is not good for either child when a sibling is not treasured and is damaged in any way. We attempt teach children that other people are valuable but this takes more than politeness to strangers. it is an “in-house” attitude, skill, value and knowledge.
I agree that visitation should be declined, but not until both are welcome – until evidence of maturity in the adult has been demonstrated, and the children are much older.
the courts view paying of maintenance and visitation as two completely independent issues. A father does not “Buy” entitlement when he pays maintenance, he is simply fulfilling his legal obligation to the child.
Parenting with divorce as a side kick is NOT easy. My son has chosen not to see his father since December last year…
I suppose you are now also blamed for your son not wanting so see his dad? My son is 9 and in July decided he was not going to his dad.According to new children’s law/act they can choose from the age of 5.That did not go down well. Im at a point now where I just take the blame for about everything.. 2012 will also be my fault 🙂
i know exactly what you are feeling. i am also a divorced mother of two boys. Since the divorce their father has not visited them at all and inquired about how they are missing him. i have to play spindoctor all the time comforting them that he is busy and once he has time will come visit them. Which i find very selfish of him. The fight is between us not with the boys.
Its a dreadful decision to have to make… I sort a feel with you on deciding not to have contact with the knucklehead’s father at all after I fell pregnant.
But you are your kidlets advocate and guardian as well as their mommy. You have to make the best decisions for them that you can untill they’re old enough to do so for themselves.
I relate to this as well. My ex also has in the past asked for our daughter Kiara only and not for our son. It is a terrible feeling for the one child to know that his father does not really want him.
I admire you for your guts. I wish I could do that. Me ex is selfish, will cancel plans at the last minute because something in his social life came up. My son is 5, and although they dont fight or even argue, he is not interested in his father. I have to trick him or sometimes bribe him to spend time with his dad. He himself says he doesnt want to see his father, but I dont have the guts to carry it through. I dont want it to come back and bite me
Visitation and Maintenance are two completely separate issues. Respecting the wishes of a child Not to spend time with a certain person is wise. My Daughter was bullied by a teacher and a other rather distrubing things happened. I wish I had listened to the little voice that said “I don’t want to go” earlier.