{"id":9005,"date":"2015-08-14T11:41:29","date_gmt":"2015-08-14T09:41:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=9005"},"modified":"2022-08-11T15:33:25","modified_gmt":"2022-08-11T13:33:25","slug":"teenage-suicide-missing-signs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/baby-to-teens\/teens-addiction-depression\/teenage-suicide-missing-signs\/","title":{"rendered":"Teenage suicide – missing the signs"},"content":{"rendered":"

I woke up on Thursday morning (12 August) and saw a message posted to my FB timeline \u201cDear Kate, it seems it was also suicide like with your boy, same age.\u201d Along with the mother\u2019s message \u201cMy daughter, Klara (14) died tonight.\u201d \u00a0I remembered the angelic face, blonde curls and clear blue eyes\u00a0of Klara G\u00f6ttert, \u00a0reported missing, which had gone viral the previous day. And I felt a\u00a0sharp shard pierce my chest, \u00a0I\u2019d been winded, like I\u2019d never breathe again and I was taken right back to the day I heard the words \u201ccome home, he\u2019s killed himself\u201d.<\/p>\n

My only son John Peter Shand Butler \u2013 also known as BOY or simply JP \u2013 was a quiet, shy, solitary boy. He chose to end his life at the age of 14 on 31 March 2011. A perfect storm was gathering and we were oblivious. It was years in the making. A combination of his biology, psychology, physiology, biography and genealogy. \u00a0The clouds were there. Sometimes we glimpsed them but we just didn\u2019t know how to\u00a0decipher them. My son didn’t shout out for us to listen. He was so very quiet with his call for help that I didn’t hear.<\/p>\n

His increasing anxiety manifested as eczema on his hands and his face, and he started smoking dagga as a way to self-medicate and manage this stress. The storm was moving in. I sensed that JP was feeling disconnected and agitated but I didn\u2019t know what to do. I didn\u2019t act. I thought I had time. Except there was no time. While I was procrastinating, not acting, wondering what to do, wondering what was wrong with him – JP had already made his decision.<\/p>\n

After suicide we search for signs. We want signs to be replicable. If we can only identify the signs we can avoid such a tragedy happening again. Yet\u00a0the warning signs are but a feeling that can\u2019t be articulated for how does one give language to the unimaginable, the unthinkable? Each child and each situation is unique, and so the warning signs will be different every time. A mother wrote to me – Yes there were signs I missed, or dismissed, or that I didn\u2019t understand as being \u2018a sign\u2019, or that I didn\u2019t understand as being \u2018a sign OF SUICIDE’<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t we know? The answer is simple – because we\u2019re not looking for it.<\/h2>\n

My oldest daughter is very clear about what needs to be done. She says that parents and schools must talk about depression and suicide to children. Children must understand what depression feels like and that there is help available. That they don\u2019t have to feel that way. The talk about depression must be as important as the safe sex talk. \u201cKind of like safe living\u201d she said. Teenagers hide it all. They hide that they are smoking dope, they hide that they’re having sex, they hide smoking cigarettes, they hide that they’re bunking school. They are also able to hide that they are depressed.<\/p>\n

I am wary of giving advice but I can say that if I had the time back and if I could do things differently it would be to ACT and not wait. Don\u2019t think about it. Do something about it. I would listen to my intuition and trust my gut. If you think there\u2019s a problem there is one \u2013 I read that somewhere. Get professional help, a diagnosis, therapy and if necessary medication. If you discover your child is using drugs, alcohol or self-harming, get him or her into a programme immediately. Sit down regularly for family suppers, have conversations with your children and learn to listen to them. I have a friend who was suicidal as a teen and he wonders if his parents had said to him \u201cyou are in a terrible long war, but it will end, and you will survive\u201d would it have helped? They never said anything. Most importantly we all need to practice kindness. And as parents we must\u00a0exert pressure on \u00a0school governing bodies \u00a0to develop informed policies for suicide prevention, to prevent bullying and to protect children from being shamed by teachers. If we work together \u2013 schools, home and the community – maybe then we can help save a young life.<\/p>\n

Click here<\/a> to find a list of therapeutic support services for teens and families<\/p>\n

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