{"id":6618,"date":"2013-05-29T22:06:07","date_gmt":"2013-05-29T20:06:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=6618"},"modified":"2022-06-22T09:51:18","modified_gmt":"2022-06-22T07:51:18","slug":"i-only-want-one-child-am-i-nuts","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/parenting\/moms-mothers-single-mothers-being-a-mom\/i-only-want-one-child-am-i-nuts\/","title":{"rendered":"I only want one child. Am I nuts?"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019m nuts for admitting it in public, that\u2019s for sure. I\u2019ve had responses that range from \u2018That\u2019s selfish.\u2019 to \u2018That\u2019s cruel!\u2019; from \u2018You\u2019ll be sorry when you can\u2019t have more.\u2019 to \u2018When you\u2019re aged Milla will have to care for you alone.\u2019<\/p>\n

There are others, but these are the most common. So let\u2019s look at them.<\/p>\n

Note<\/i>: I\u2019m more than happy to accept that only-childness isn\u2019t for everyone, but none of the above reasons is good enough for me. (Skip to the end if you\u2019re impatient and you want to read the one reason that is<\/i> good enough.)<\/p>\n

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Photo by Jametlene Reskp on Unsplash<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The inadequate Reasons<\/h2>\n

Selfish?<\/h3>\n

Maybe. But I don\u2019t believe that any half-decent mom is actually<\/i> selfish. Motherhood, by definition, comes with self-sacrifice, joyful or otherwise. If I want to have one child and focus all of my attention, love, enthusiasm and energy on her, what\u2019s selfish about that?<\/p>\n

I love working full-time to build and run a business I\u2019m proud of. I love putting aside every spare cent I earn, for Milla\u2019s education. Why split myself and my resources? Do I have an obligation to populate the planet? I don\u2019t believe so*.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not choosing to avoid a second pregnancy because I didn\u2019t enjoy [pick one: getting pregnant, being pregnant, getting fat, having a newborn, having a toddler\u2026] I loved pregnancy and I adore motherhood. Childbirth was less delightful, in my experience, but I\u2019m over that.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m choosing \u2013 for the time being \u2013 to have only one child because, in my vision of myself as a mother, I only see the one child I have.<\/p>\n

Cruel?<\/h3>\n

Nonsense. In my opinion, having a child just to guarantee that my current one has a friend shows a tenuous grasp on reality. Yes, it\u2019s amazing when you have two littlies who are close-ish in age and adore each other their whole lives \u2013 or even hate each other til they\u2019re adults and then love each other.<\/p>\n

But what if they grow into adults who really don\u2019t get on? (I see this a lot<\/i>.) Isn\u2019t it possible that having a second child as a playmate for the first is the most extreme form of spoiling? Like having a spare child in case #1 needs organs.<\/p>\n

People do like to tell me how damaged only children can be. That they’re spoilt, socially awkward, over-confident and\/or clingy. I hear lots of unpleasant adjectives, up til I tell people I\u2019m an only child. That\u2019s<\/i> awkward.<\/p>\n

I may be a lot of things, including over-confident, but that\u2019s only one out of a possible four. And of all the onlies I grew up with, every one turned into a giving, friendly, self-assured, capable, successful adult who has an unbelievable relationship with (one or both of) his or her parents.<\/p>\n

Short-sighted?<\/h3>\n

Yes, I may well be sorry when I\u2019m older. I\u2019m 32 now, so by the time I\u2019m likely to be broody again I may be 36 or 40. Granted, by then it may be much<\/i> harder for me to conceive. And I may wish I\u2019d hopped to it sooner. But I can\u2019t make a baby now just in case I want one later.<\/p>\n

Burdensome?<\/h3>\n

Yeah, this one\u2019s valid. I\u2019m an only child to a single parent and I\u2019ve worried for years about looking after her solo when she\u2019s \u2013 G-d forbid \u2013 sick or frail. But them\u2019s the breaks. My husband will help me. Milla\u2019s future partner will hopefully help her. Once again, having a second child as insurance against your old age is silly. What if both my children \u2013 again, G-d forbid \u2013 emigrate?<\/p>\n

* In fact, Mother Earth probably wishes we\u2019d have fewer<\/i> children\u2026<\/p>\n

The only good reason<\/h2>\n

The only good reason I can see to have more than one child \u2013 or, indeed, any children \u2013 is because you and your partner desperately want to. Because you imagine yourself as the parents of two or three or more, and that\u2019s the picture of your future that you hold in your heart.<\/p>\n

(Or if you fall pregnant by accident, but that\u2019s another post for another time.)<\/p>\n

I was raised as the only one, so that could explain my default setting. But it doesn\u2019t explain my husband\u2019s. I\u2019ll admit there\u2019s a good chance, down the line, when he\u2019s recovered from two (or three or four) years of chronic exhaustion, that he\u2019ll change his tune. And who knows what\u2019ll happen then? For now, though, we have the little girl we wanted and she\u2019s enough for us.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll have to work that much harder to keep her entertained, socialised and in close contact with her cousins. I\u2019ll have to take her friends along on holidays. And I\u2019ll have to guard against spoiling her. But I think we\u2019ll all be okay.<\/p>\n

What\u2019s your story? If you have more than one child, why did you? Was it always part of your plan? If you have only one on purpose or because fate intervened, I\u2019d love to know what you think. Please comment.<\/i><\/p>\n

This article was originally written for Jozikids by Tiffany Markman in 2013.<\/em><\/p>\n

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