{"id":6186,"date":"2013-02-21T08:50:41","date_gmt":"2013-02-21T08:50:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=6186"},"modified":"2022-06-22T12:25:16","modified_gmt":"2022-06-22T10:25:16","slug":"rape-is-rape-abuse-is-abuse-dont-confuse-kids-with-candy-coating","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/lifestyle\/poverty\/rape-is-rape-abuse-is-abuse-dont-confuse-kids-with-candy-coating\/","title":{"rendered":"Rape is rape. Abuse is abuse. Don\u2019t confuse kids with candy-coating."},"content":{"rendered":"

A mixed bag of tips intended to help kids avoid attack, abuse or getting lost.<\/b><\/p>\n

This is not intended as an exhaustive list. But rather as some trigger points to stimulate a change in possibly well-intended, but overly-cautious or conservative care-giver thinking.<\/p>\n

Because of our collective social media-induced ADD, let me cut to the chase. So, in no particular order:<\/p>\n

Rape or sexual abuse is not \u201csex\u201d- so don\u2019t categorise it as sex when discussing it with your children. It\u2019s a violent act of assault, often with deadly consequences. Girls and boys need to understand what it is and that it can happen to them.<\/p>\n

We need to get over ourselves and stop using euphemisms. It\u2019s not a \u201cwilly\u201d or a \u201cvajayjay\u201d. It\u2019s a penis or a vagina. We know that speaking regular mother tongue language to babies and children helps them develop a good vocabulary early in life. So cut the baby talk and diminutives.<\/p>\n

Children today are not like children were <\/i>even fifteen years ago. They are digital natives and are exposed (whether we like it or not) to life in all its beauty and ugliness, way ahead of when we were. Many are playing with and learning from tablet devices at two years of age.<\/p>\n

Every day we delay educating a child on sexual and other well-being matters, is another day closer to that child being exploited or abused due to their naivet\u00e9.<\/p>\n

If your child is watching National Geographic, Animal Planet, documentaries or educational DVDs, they will see animals mating. Everything in nature has a reproductive process. You can use flowers, plants, trees and pollination as simple, sensible explanations for reproduction.<\/p>\n

Protect your child from explicit Internet porn pop-ups by installing Net Nanny or other software on the consumption devices they use.<\/p>\n

Better your child hears facts from you than myths from strangers or peers.<\/p>\n

Prepare your facial expression and body language, well in advance. If you wince or flinch when asked a straight question about sexuality, the message is, \u201cthis must be secret \u2013 or dirty\u201d. We fail the kid.<\/p>\n

When talking about sensitive topics, don\u2019t let your voice change or express stress. Remember that tone and manner are part of non-verbal communication. It\u2019s normal discussion. So keep it normal.<\/p>\n

Our children can be taught at a very early age that their body is their private space. We need to equip them in advance with strategies in case that little body is inappropriately touched or invaded. Teach them to say loudly, \u201cinappropriate touch!\u201d or \u201cno touching!\u201d, if they feel someone is behaving abnormally.<\/p>\n

Children don\u2019t deal well with ambiguity (mixed messages) about sex or life. We need to be simple and clear.<\/p>\n

Children are capable of what Dr Natalie Solomon, a wonderful SA child psychologist, calls, \u201cmagical thinking\u201d.\u00a0 Example: a peer dies. Don\u2019t say, \u201cthey\u2019ve passed on,\u201d or \u201cthey\u2019ve gone to heaven\u201d I heard a little guy (at a memorial service) ask his mum, \u201cthen where\u2019s heaven?\u201d She pointed to the sky. \u201cHow high up in the sky?\u201d A long way. \u201cWhen will he be back?\u201d Oops. No.<\/p>\n

Children are pretty literal. They can understand dead. They\u2019ve seen a dead beetle, a bird, perhaps the family pet. That\u2019s dead. Explain it as a very normal part of life. Just like crying and mourning those losses is. Magical thinking is like a video game. People have \u201cnew lives\u201d. Avatars. They come back from the dead. They revive. That\u2019s very confusing. Our kids have grown up with virtual reality games and 3D movies. I\u2019ve been asked several times, \u201cis this real?\u201d \u2013 when it\u2019s been special effects generated.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t wait for your child to start asking questions about sexuality, abuse, rape, homosexuality, cross-dressing or a host of other topics. Make these an appropriate, well-timed and normal part of your conversation. That avoids them becoming embarrassing.<\/p>\n

We can\u2019t always protect children from the sometimes ugly face of life. We can only prepare them for it. We\u2019re not doing them favours by misguidedly \u201cpreserving their innocence\u201d or over-protecting them. That simply puts them at risk.<\/p>\n

Talking to children about sexual matters is not going to lead to experimentation or early sexual behaviour. The opposite is proven to be the case.<\/p>\n

We don\u2019t need to get into graphic explanations of biological processes. Keep the child\u2019s age, mental development, general-knowledge, social awareness and so on in mind. As with most things, we all acquire a fuller understanding over time. It doesn\u2019t have to be big-bang, all at once.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve told my little guy, \u201cif someone comes along and says, \u2018Clive has asked me to collect you,\u2019 (for example) you simply say, \u201cNo \u2013 that\u2019s not true. He would have told me.\u201d Teach the kid to shout very loudly, \u201cHelp, help! This person is trying to take me away!\u201d if the person becomes physical or persists. Teach them to kick, fight and scream like crazy, if necessary. Always tell your kids about collection plans. Route messages through the pre-school, school teacher, sports coach or play-date supervisor about collection arrangements. There must be no loose ends.<\/p>\n

Can your child easily repeat your mobile number? I made a tune of mine. It helps to repeat it with a rhythm, for little people to remember.<\/p>\n

Have you got a current, straight on, full-face picture of your child or children? If not, take it now. If they go missing, it makes publicising the sorry fact a wee bit easier.<\/p>\n

Teach your kid what to do if she or he becomes separated from you in a store, shopping mall or outdoor event. We\u2019ve all had those heart-stopping, missing kid moments. Have you got a future prevention strategy in place? No? Do it now.<\/p>\n

Tell your children never to accept lifts. If cars pull up close to them or pace them on a sidewalk, let them appeal to the nearest adult for help, or run away to safety. They can\u2019t and won\u2019t do these things unless we\u2019ve discussed them and suggested responses, in advance. Reinforce those coping strategies every now and again. Make a \u201csuperhero\u201d survival game of it. They\u2019ll get that.<\/p>\n

If at even 5 years of age, our kids are not equipped to cry foul when threatened, we have failed to equip them with the necessary defences. Do it now and prevent tears later.<\/p>\n

There is some wonderful literature available on age-appropriate, child sex awareness and broader education. This Jozikids blog is a mine of useful information. So is google. So is amazon.com. Use all the resources at your disposal.<\/p>\n

Final thought: What is forbidden or mysterious is always appealing. Walter Bagshot (pronounced Bad-jit) a former editor of the Economist in the UK, famously said, \u201cdo not let in daylight upon magic\u201d. With sexuality and safety for children, the opposite must be true. Let in the daylight. Clarify. Explain. Remove the veil of mystery.<\/p>\n

Thanks for your time. I welcome your feedback, comments, suggestion or constructive criticism.<\/p>\n

Click here to find Protective Behaviours, an NGO dedicated to the goal of creating a safe environment for kids and adults.<\/p>\n

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