{"id":2421,"date":"2010-09-10T23:38:14","date_gmt":"2010-09-10T21:38:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents-blog\/?p=2421"},"modified":"2022-06-15T21:38:32","modified_gmt":"2022-06-15T19:38:32","slug":"from-the-mouths-of-babes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/lifestyle\/culture\/from-the-mouths-of-babes\/","title":{"rendered":"Coping with loss, from the mouths of babes"},"content":{"rendered":"

You know when you become a mom that there are going to be times when you have to deal with the really difficult stuff with your child \u2013 the stuff of life, and of death \u2013 because both of these can be really hard, and both of these are inevitable.<\/p>\n

It came sooner than I thought it would though, when three people that were part of our lives died in a fire. How to tell my big boy that the friend whose house he and his brother spent the afternoon with three days before, the boy he had shared a birthday party with the previous month, had lost his life in the bedroom that they were playing in, and that the boy\u2019s mom and his baby sister had perished too?<\/p>\n

I did what any chicken mom does. I delayed the inevitable, and called in an expert to tell the difficult tale. I dodged the question when my son saw the picture of the inferno on the front page of The Star, and asked whose house had burned down, holding off the terrible answer until someone else could give it, because I was too scared and too broken to do it myself.<\/p>\n

The psychologist was amazing with Daniel and his friends at school. She asked about their friend, their favourite games with him, and what he liked the most. She then gently explained that he, his sister and his mother had been in an accident, but that they were safe now, and happy, and that they couldn\u2019t be hurt any more. She explained that they weren\u2019t coming back ever again, but that we could hold them all in our hearts.<\/p>\n

Daniel was solemn, but calm, and only cried when I did. We wrote a message to his friend and his sister on helium balloons, and released them with the other children.<\/p>\n

When my mom drove past the house later that week, not realizing where it was, he saw the burnt out shell and went quiet. \u201cIt was my friend\u2019s house that burned down, wasn\u2019t it, Nana?\u201d he asked. \u201cYes, my boy,\u201d she said, bracing herself. \u201cIt\u2019s ok Nana. He\u2019s safe now, he\u2019s in heaven,\u201d said my amazing boy.<\/p>\n

I realized in this that the simplicity of his approach is what is helping him deal with the loss. He doesn\u2019t know the details \u2013 although one day I\u2019m sure he\u2019ll figure it out. I\u2019ve promised myself that I\u2019m not going to delegate that explanation, one day when it happens. In being unaware of the details, he really is dealing with the simple facts. There was an accident. They are not here any more. They are safe. They cannot be hurt again. No more information required, really.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s not said much about it since, although every now and then he\u2019ll mention a favourite game he played with his friend, or he\u2019ll see something similar to a toy that he played with at his friend\u2019s home, but he\u2019s never sad or tearful.<\/p>\n

Last week, he was all about tattoos, as some of the other children had some stick-on transfer tattoos. I hate them, but eventually gave in and got a pack of 35 (yes, 35!!!) tattoos for him and his brother to share. He wanted one on his chest, and just as I magically revealed the circular tattoo, he asked if that was near where his heart was.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, my boy,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cCool. Then my friend can see it too. He\u2019s in my heart, you see.\u201d<\/p>\n

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