{"id":14704,"date":"2017-05-28T21:40:53","date_gmt":"2017-05-28T19:40:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=14704"},"modified":"2022-06-21T10:55:15","modified_gmt":"2022-06-21T08:55:15","slug":"understanding-your-childs-behaviour-responding-positively","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/parenting\/bullying\/understanding-your-childs-behaviour-responding-positively\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding your child\u2019s behaviour &#038; responding positively"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><span style=\"font-size: revert; color: initial;\">Ever wish you could be inside your child\u2019s head for a moment to figure out what\u2019s making them do what they do? Tired of getting the shrug of shoulders when you ask them why they did something? By understanding that children live in a world of feelings (without easily expressing feelings in words), and are showing us their feelings through their actions, our whole attitude starts to change. Just like crying babies usually need food, sleep or a nappy change, there is a reason for everything that our kids do \u2013 even though they don\u2019t consciously know this, there are always underlying needs and feelings at play. The best way to figure them is to ask yourself what they may need and feel.<\/span><\/p>\n<p>When kids can&#8217;t find positive, useful ways to have their needs met or feelings expressed, they&#8217;ll inevitably turn to more unhealthy ways. If you understand what your child is needing (and feeling) in that moment, instead of reacting, your change in perspective will have you talking about their needs and feelings. This works like magic!<\/p>\n<p>Bullying is a good example. A bully always needs power. They&#8217;re usually feeling powerless, can&#8217;t express these feelings, and haven\u2019t found healthy ways to feel powerful or in control. By giving him important tasks (e.g. by being the class leader) and helping him express his feelings in words, he soon starts to get his need for power met positively and the bullying falls away.<\/p>\n<h2><strong style=\"color: initial;\">Better ways to respond<\/strong><\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><em>ask yourself<\/em> &#8211; what are they wanting\/needing (attention, power, revenge or to show me that they can&#8217;t?). Knowing their underlying need helps you as a parent to help your kids get their needs met more healthily.<\/li>\n<li><em>put yourself in their shoes and ask yourself<\/em> \u2013how you would be feeling in this situation<\/li>\n<li><em>avoid asking why<\/em> \u2013 it often makes kids defensive and they usually can\u2019t explain their inner world in feelings.<\/li>\n<li><em>rather name their feeling for them<\/em> (e.g. \u201cyou\u2019re sad because you weren\u2019t invited to the party\u201d)<\/li>\n<li><em>remember to encourage all feelings<\/em> \u2013 it\u2019s what kids do with their feelings that\u2019s most important (e.g. they can hate homework, yet it\u2019s still important to get it done)<\/li>\n<li><em>teach them how to express their feelings in words instead of through their actions alone<\/em> \u2013 e.g. \u201cI can see you\u2019re mad , but brothers aren\u2019t for hurting \u2013 use your words and tell him what you\u2019re feeling and wanting\u201d<\/li>\n<li><em>take some deep breaths before responding<\/em> &#8211; when you react instinctively or lash out, their behaviour usually doesn\u2019t change, it often worsens.<\/li>\n<li><em>check what you are wanting them to learn<\/em> &#8211; punishing them without acknowledging their needs or feelings usually only brings about short term changes<\/li>\n<li><em>for kids to become more responsible<\/em> \u2013 we need to give them choices, explain the consequences and follow through with what we\u2019ve said.<strong><br \/>\n<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Lastly it\u2019s important to remember that what children find stressful, and how they cope, differs from adults. When something troubling happens, a buildup of unexpressed feelings and needs will show as a definite change in behaviour, which your child can&#8217;t easily understand or change without help. Without encouragement and learning healthy ways to let out their feelings, children don\u2019t easily speak out about what\u2019s really going on for them. Many \u201cmisbehaviours\u201d are common after a major change or challenge. These are like warning lights asking us for more help.<\/p>\n<p><strong><em>Note: If you enjoyed this article, and would like to stay updated with more, you can:<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><em>Subscribe to our free weekly Jozikids\u00a0<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/member-registration\/\"><em>newsletter<\/em><\/a><em>\u00a0 for parents in Gauteng<\/em><\/li>\n<li><em>Like us on <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/jozikids.co.za\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><em>Facebook<\/em><\/a><\/li>\n<li><em>Follow us on\u00a0<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/instagram.com\/jozikids?igshid=1n8cwedrewul\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><em>Instagram<\/em><\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When kids can&#8217;t find positive, useful ways to have their needs met or feelings expressed, they&#8217;ll inevitably turn to more unhealthy ways. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":163,"featured_media":14726,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"inline_featured_image":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[149,237],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-14704","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-bullying","category-positive-parenting"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14704","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/163"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=14704"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/14704\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/14726"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=14704"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=14704"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=14704"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}