{"id":14597,"date":"2017-05-04T17:34:56","date_gmt":"2017-05-04T15:34:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=14597"},"modified":"2022-08-11T14:59:21","modified_gmt":"2022-08-11T12:59:21","slug":"an-anxious-mom-what-it-really-feels-like","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/parenting\/moms-mothers-single-mothers-being-a-mom\/an-anxious-mom-what-it-really-feels-like\/","title":{"rendered":"An anxious mom – what it really feels like"},"content":{"rendered":"

My alarm clock rings at 5.30am, the same time every day.\u00a0 And every day, I turn it off and oversleep.\u00a0 I\u2019ve spent the night, as I do every night, tossing and turning, worrying about what needs to be done, making sure I haven\u2019t forgotten anything, wondering if I turned the stove off and trying to solve the world\u2019s problems.\u00a0 That\u2019s what I do:\u00a0 I worry incessantly about things within and beyond my control, as a mother and as a human being.\u00a0 Funny thing is that I go to bed the same time each night, I\u2019m pretty sure I fall asleep but when morning comes, I feel as though I haven\u2019t slept in years\u2026<\/p>\n

I pedantically prepare everything in advance to make things easier for myself and my family.\u00a0 Lunches, suppers, grocery shopping, laundry, even play dates.\u00a0 So why then am I always on the back foot?\u00a0 Always struggling to keep up, feeling like every day is Groundhog Day?\u00a0 Same struggle, same stresses, same feeling of inadequacy\u2026\u00a0\u00a0 Anxiety disorder, it seems, is what drives this manic feeling of \u201cnever-good-enough\u201d and \u201ccan-never-do-anything-right\u201d.\u00a0 These are the symptoms (in my experience):<\/p>\n

Feeling overwhelmed:<\/h2>\n

Whether it\u2019s the school run or my kids\u2019 party, I always seem to be on the edge.\u00a0 Only once the event has taken place will I sit back and wonder what I was so overwhelmed about in the first place.<\/p>\n

Irrational:<\/h2>\n

Being overwhelmed all the time is the perfect basis for being irrational too. (“I wonder why that nice lady didn’t wave to me after school?\u00a0 She always does… maybe she’s angry with me.\u00a0 Wait, maybe she did and I didn’t see her.. that’s so rude.\u00a0 I should call and apologise”<\/p>\n

Frustrated:<\/h2>\n

Despite the fact that I plan ahead and prep everything, I am somehow always running late or believe it or not, unprepared!<\/p>\n

Dread:<\/h2>\n

From parent meetings to shopping in a mall, I dread them all.\u00a0 In fact, even a night out with old friends will have me wanting to cancel just because when the day arrives, I dread it (even though I know I enjoyed the time out the last time)<\/p>\n

Guilt:<\/h2>\n

This has become a way of life. Guilt for not being perfect, guilt about feeling the dread above, guilt for always being preoccupied making lists, guilt for never savouring a moment to remember it.<\/p>\n

Regret:<\/h2>\n

A close friend of guilt\u2019s, this one ends a meltdown where overwhelmed turned into raving lunatic and that brought on the fire-breathing-dragon, for absolutely no logical reason.\u00a0 Regret is, in my book, the<\/em> worse feeling in the world, especially towards my children and family.<\/p>\n

Disconnected:<\/h2>\n

The preoccupation with trying to keep my head above water makes it difficult to feel connected to people.\u00a0 Instead of relaxing and enjoying the board game with my kids, I\u2019m disconnected thinking about what next to do once the game ends.<\/p>\n

Averse to change:<\/h2>\n

Routine is a big part of me, without it I feel out of control. Problem is that if 1 thing is out of routine, everything falls apart.\u00a0 (not really but the irrationality kicks in big time!)<\/p>\n

Exhausted:<\/h2>\n

Aside from the sleeplessness, pure exhaustion from thinking so much! Exhaustion often then leads to a foggy mind which doesn\u2019t help much\u2026 (Do you see the vicious circle here?)<\/p>\n

Uncomfortable:<\/h2>\n

Yes, in my own skin, in the clothes I chose to wear today, in the company I find myself in, in circumstances I\u2019ve been in numerous times but somehow can\u2019t handle anymore.<\/p>\n

Indecisive:<\/h2>\n

Being an indecisive parent is the perfect breeding ground for chaotic kids.\u00a0 They need firm rules and decisive adults who can guide them. (The new rule is no TV during the week…. After a bout of nagging from the kids, ok fine, you can watch for a little while)\u00a0 Not a good way to do things.<\/p>\n

No willpower:<\/h2>\n

I know exactly what I need to do to fix a few things in my life yet I don\u2019t or can\u2019t do it.\u00a0 That\u2019s a terrible thing for a mom to say, what kind of role model is she to her kids then?\u00a0 A loser kind?\u00a0 One that will stay the same for all of her life just because she is too anxious to change?<\/p>\n

So if it\u2019s so easy for me to recognise all this then what makes it so difficult for a seemingly intelligent person to just sort themselves out?\u00a0 Just snap out of it, as they say?\u00a0 Just get over yourself?\u00a0 With all the advice on meditation, foods to eat to combat anxiety, mindfulness workshops and retreats\u2026 oh and wake up earlier than your kids so you avoid being late and your whole day will go better\u2026. Yes! But I can\u2019t wake up!\u00a0 Perhaps, and hopeful that tomorrow or next Monday or some Monday soon, will be that day.<\/p>\n

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