{"id":13547,"date":"2016-04-01T11:22:32","date_gmt":"2016-04-01T09:22:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=13547"},"modified":"2022-06-09T20:07:07","modified_gmt":"2022-06-09T18:07:07","slug":"what-if-your-child-doesnt-win","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/parenting\/being-present\/what-if-your-child-doesnt-win\/","title":{"rendered":"What if your child doesn’t win ?"},"content":{"rendered":"

One of\u00a0the<\/em>\u00a0worst feelings in the world is seeing your child feel disappointed and sad at not winning or being chosen in a test or a race. This could very easily deter them from ever taking part in anything again if the disappointment is that deep. So what\u2019s the best way to deal with it? Because at some level, watching your child in a race and seeing them not win is disappointing to you as a parent as well. Maybe you\u2019re inclined to second guess those hours spent at extra mural practice or the money you spend on each child trying to improve them and it now seems all worthless.<\/p>\n

Common sense and\u00a0parenting coaches\u00a0tell us to\u00a0congratulate the child for trying. Saying things like \u2018I\u2019m so proud of you\u2019, \u2018you\u2019re always a winner to me\u2019, \u2018you did your best and that\u2019s what counts\u2019.\u00a0\u00a0 From personal experience these words aren\u2019t always comforting even if followed by hugs and a big bowl of ice-cream. And at the same time, perhaps deep down you\u2019re feeling like he didn\u2019t perform to his full potential and he could have done better. Should you say that? Is it encouraging to say that or will it just break your child\u2019s spirit even further and create a situation where he decides it\u2019s better not to take part at all? The world is a cruel, cold one and competition is tough in more ways than one \u2013 we need to prepare our kids for possible disappointment and dealing with it healthily.<\/p>\n

\"win<\/p>\n

Does being the positive parent help in the broader context of preparing our kids for the real world? I think so and here\u2019s my issue then. There\u2019s a fine line between being a supportive parent and a parent who smothers their\u00a0child in undue praise. If you\u2019re being dishonest it will become apparent to your child \u00a0at some point that he wasn\u2019t as great as you made him out to be. He may also then perhaps never really put much effort into anything he does because he thinks that his mediocre attempt seemed wonderful to you. At that precise moment what we say is most important.<\/p>\n

My son was selected to take part in the advanced swimming races at school. I was already impressed because those races are difficult and being selected means that the coach felt that he has what it takes to compete. During the practices and heats he did really well. Once first and a few times a close second or third. On the day of the gala though, he didn\u2019t perform very well and he was visibly disappointed. Now anyone who\u2019s read any of my other blog posts would know that I can be rather cynical and downright negative. So my first instinct was to say \u201cC\u2019mon, what was that?\u201d Or \u201cReally son, ducks swim faster than that!\u201d (I\u2019m kidding I\u2019d never say that) Instead I told him how proud I was and that he did really well. And he seemed to feel better knowing that I was proud of him regardless of the outcome.<\/p>\n

My disappointment could easily have shown but in my opinion what I said to him made the difference. And as inconsequential as it sounds those small moments of reaffirmation are the ones that condition your child to become what he will be one day. He will hopefully feel that he is good enough, that winning isn\u2019t everything but that taking part, having fun and trying is part of learning and growing as an individual.<\/p>\n

\"win<\/p>\n

This article was originally written for Jozikids by Fatima Kazee in 2016.<\/em><\/p>\n

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