{"id":13076,"date":"2016-01-25T10:56:55","date_gmt":"2016-01-25T08:56:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/responsive.jozikids.co.za\/zaparents\/?p=13076"},"modified":"2022-08-11T14:55:21","modified_gmt":"2022-08-11T12:55:21","slug":"my-home-the-battleground-disciplining-spirited-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.jozikids.co.za\/blog\/parenting\/discipline\/my-home-the-battleground-disciplining-spirited-kids\/","title":{"rendered":"Disciplining spirited kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u00a0<\/strong>He bares his teeth. Juts his jaw. Flashes his eyes at you. It\u2019s like a warning from an enraged grizzly bear. And then he dives into the maelstrom of your battle of wills. And eventually, he wins. Reducing you to a broken, exhausted emotional blob<\/p>\n

But he\u2019s only four.<\/p>\n

This is what it can be like to parent what I euphemistically call a \u2018spirited child\u2019 (and what my co-parent unapologetically titles \u2018terrorist\u2019, \u2018thug\u2019 or \u2018whelp\u2019).<\/p>\n

She doesn\u2019t respond to a warning look. Doesn\u2019t retreat from a threat. Doesn\u2019t flinch at an angry yell. And doesn\u2019t fear a short, sharp smack. She\u2019s largely unmoved by punishment. But she doesn\u2019t like Time Out. And she loves swimming.<\/p>\n

So how do we punish? Time Out and banning her daily swim. That\u2019s her currency. It\u2019s taken us years to find it, and we\u2019re still largely clueless. As my husband has said:<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m a big guy. I\u2019m six feet tall. I weigh 100 kilos. I have broad shoulders, a heavy beard, and I know 17 ways to kill a man with my bare hands \u2013 and four ways to do it with a rolled-up magazine. But all of it pales away to nothing when my 20kg four-year-old daughter looks me in the eye and decides to go to war\u2026 I am out-thunk every time by my tiny, obstinate girl-child.\u201d (You can read more here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

Find their currency and try to figure out their triggers<\/em><\/p>\n

All this is well and good, though you may be enjoying my recital of woe. But you want advice, right? I\u2019m no expert, so I asked around and this is what I have to offer:<\/p>\n

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  1. \u201cFind their currency<\/strong>. We went through smacking, time-outs, star charts\u2026 Nothing worked, until I was forced to bargain with what she loved most. It also helped us to figure out her triggers so we can try to catch her before we have to discipline.\u201d – Laura-Kim<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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    1. \u201cWe use removal of privileges<\/strong> as our strategy (much as I hate doing that, because most privileges benefit me and I don’t like taking away someone\u2019s stuff \u2013 but that’s what we’re left with since it’s frowned upon to beat them with a wrench).\u201d – Georgi<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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      1. \u201cI’m trying the ‘pick your battles’ strategy<\/strong>: limiting my Nos and keeping the positive to negative ratio in our household at 80:20. I\u2019ll go to the ends of the earth to get him the green spoon to avoid a meltdown, so that if we have to have a showdown later about too many sweets, I haven\u2019t wrecked my positive to negative ratio.\u201d – Danielle<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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        1. \u201cLet them know that you love them just the way they are<\/strong> and that their strong spirit is a beautiful thing. Then make the boundaries very clear and act on infractions quickly and decisively.\u201d – Carri<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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          1. \u201cAfter any kind of ‘disciplinary hearing’, remember to try to catch him\/her doing something positive and shower him\/her with love and affection<\/strong>.\u201d – Kerri<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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            1. \u201cWe use SuperNanny\u2019s \u2018Naughty Step\u2019 technique<\/strong><\/a> with great effect.\u201d – Dominic<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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              1. \u201cSpirited kids are usually smart and will use any opportunity to play you up. For me, the main thing is to separate the strong-minded child<\/strong>. Go for isolation (no matter where you are or what the situation is). Once alone, kneel down to his level and ask why he\u2019s having a meltdown or what’s causing him to behave like this. I try to repeat back what he\u2019s said to me, so that he knows I\u2019ve heard and understood him.\u201d – Romy<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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                1. \u201cI think that the Attitude-Adjusting Snot-Klap (AASK)<\/strong> school of discipline never fails. As told to me by a highly respected child psychiatrist ;)\u201d – Peter<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                  Joni Edelman, parenting blogger, reminds us that, \u201cSome of what [children] are is how you raise them, and some of what they are is what is born in them.\u201d And here\u2019s some more of Joni\u2019s advice<\/a>, especially if your child has a sensory issue.<\/p>\n

                  Bottom line? I really like this little nugget from Georgi: \u201cKeep in mind that discipline is a long game<\/strong>. Your strategy doesn’t work in days or weeks \u2013 it can take years.\u201d I also like the way my husband put it<\/a> (if you\u2019ll pardon another bit of blatant nepotism):<\/p>\n

                  \u201cIf you\u2019re at war in your home like I am in mine, you\u2019re not alone. We\u2019re not the first, and won\u2019t be the last, to have spawned fierce creatures. This too shall pass. And at the other end we\u2019ll have confident, tough-as-nails children who\u2019ll know their own minds and have no fear of the world, be it ever so cruel and hard. Perhaps we\u2019re lucky. I\u2019ve seen the other kind. The meek children. The soft ones. And while I\u2019m hollowed out with envy for their pliancy, I\u2019d not swap mine in a million years.\u201d<\/p>\n

                  Click here<\/a> to find a list of therapeutic services to help us with issues like these.<\/p>\n

                  This article was originally written for Jozikids by Tiffany Markman in 2016.<\/em><\/p>\n

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